3 Biggest Takeaways From Attached
I recently posted on Instagram about a book I had read that I desperately wish I could go back in time and gift to my late adolescent self. Attached by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A is a book that to be blunt: read me to filth.
Attached breaks down attachment theory in a way that’s easy to digest and isn’t filled with academic lingo. It’s perfect for non-clinicians looking to learn more about attachment styles. While attachment styles can be applied to all relationships in our lives, this book specifically focuses on attachment styles as they relate to romantic relationships. Readers learn their own attachment styles and how to decipher the attachment styles of others. Using this information Attached helps readers learn effective communication, boundary setting, and conflict resolution with the various styles.
I would recommend this book to anyone currently in the dating pool or anyone who feels like they’ve had a string of unsuccessful relationships and want to learn more about those patterns. I can’t say enough how much this book would have changed my mindset had I picked this up at 19 instead of 30.
Here are 3 of my biggest takeaways:
Bread & Butter vs Intimacy-Centered conflict. Levine and Heller break down conflict in romantic partnerships into two types: bread and butter conflict and intimacy-centered conflict. The former is the natural conflict that comes up when you choose to share a life with someone. These conflicts can look like binge-watching preferences or what city to move to. Intimacy-centered conflicts are centered around the lack of ability to find common ground between each partner’s intimacy needs. These conflicts are common in relationships with an avoidant and anxious partner and can overflow in multiple areas of the relationship to the point where both parties may not even be aware of the root cause of their issues. This distinction helped me look at conflict in my current and past relationships differently. Taking time to reflect I could clearly see that many of my conflicts with past partners boiled down to opposing intimacy needs.
If you’ve been stuck in the anxious/avoidant trap, secure relationships can feel boring. Whew, did this one hit home. For those of us with anxious attachment styles, the mixed signals that come with being in a relationship with someone who is avoidant can keep what is referred to in the book as our “attachment system” (I prefer to just consider it our nervous system) activated. Throughout the time in the relationship, the anxious partner can view this constant push and pull as true passion. Once this person enters a relationship with a partner who has a more secure attachment style, this relationship can feel boring and lacking in passion. Scrolling on TikTok the other day, I heard someone say “sometimes peace feels boring” and I have to say, I agree. When you’re used to chaos or the highs and lows of being with a partner who constantly sends mixed signals then entering a relationship with clear communication and boundaries can feel…well, boring.
Your attachment style isn’t set in stone and no attachment style is “bad”. In conversations around attachment, I felt like it’s been overlooked that your attachment style can change over time, and if your attachment style isn’t secure it’s “bad”. Different experiences can shift our attachment style and entering a healthy relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style can influence our own to shift toward secure as well. 10 years ago, I definitely had an anxious attachment style, but today I’d stay my attachment style is primarily secure in part because of therapy and fostering healthier relationships.